fading to numb
Love is absence in me most of the time. I live with the belief that connections to people exist; they are not created. This leads to a string of short lived conversations concluding in the acceptance of being non-adhesive. I feel I am jaded beyond reproach. Lost into a distance so great that to look back into it would vanish the specks of hope remaining in me. I wasn’t always like this. I wasn’t. I use to see the good.
Moments fold onto each other and shape time. Retracing the constellations of my past I can clearly see where I became distorted. There is anger in me now for allowing it to be so apparent, yet being so blind to it. Singularly the events push ones growth. Together they drag it and you are helpless. I fell for someone. I gave her my trust. Given the complexity of the circumstances this was foolish, but not unreciprocated. The error in judgment came from not understanding the repercussions of the fallout. This led to the subsequent failure of the next relationship, which led to a period of abandoning of principals. I have lived mostly hibernated since. Treading water like a hedgehog, praying for a shadow to justify everything I am feeling.
I have found comfort in all this. My mind has settled and almost balanced. It had been headache ridden and plagued with vertigo for far too long. But the last year has brought cracks into my shelter; friends and lovers becoming engaged and married. The fragility and falsity of it is palpably. I am happy for them yet remain wistful. I have begun to second guess my apprehension. I am fading to numb and need to fix something if I do not want to fall prey to it. I don’t. I want feel the intensity of love in the press of sunlight. I want to collapse silently into trust unquestioned. These ideas have become illusions to me. But maybe I am beginning to believe again.
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